Hetalia Trapped in the Closet
by BXR1799
Summary: A Hetalia parody of Trapped in the Closet, featuring Alfred F. Jones a.k.a America as R.Kelly! MANY pairings thata re CRACK and a few of my OTPs that change throughout the chapters. I recomend you go and watch R.Kelly's Trapped in the Closet vid to understand better.. This is like a giant song fic/story XD enjoy the craziness! Rated M for swearing&light smut
1. Chapter 1

**Oh my jeepers creepers WTF am I doing?! lol probably the best dare I've ever taken! XD So this is a Hetalia parody of R. Kelly's 'Trapped In The Closet Trilogy, freaturing Alfred F. Jones a.k.a America as ! Many pairings! Maybe a few official ones, but they're all different and mostly straight up CRACK so don't think I support them all! Rated M for later chapters and language! DON'T LET THE KIDDIES READ THIS! SERIOUSLY! And I recomend you watch 's videos, (you can find them on Youtube) It's like a long ass song, and it makes it more fun to read XD I've added my own alterations and such. (I DO NOT OWN HETALIA OR 'S TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET VIDEOS! Thank's for reading! **

**Chapter pairings: JapanxAmerica & JapanxChina O.O **

**0000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000 0000**

7 o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me. I'm streaching and yawning in a bed that don't belong to me.

And a voice yells, "Good morning Alfred-kun." from the bathroom. Then a Japanese guy comes out and kisses me and to my surprise it isn't Arthur.

Now I got this dumb look on my face like _'what have I done?'_ How could I be so stupid to have layed here 'till the morning sun? I must have lost track of time, oh what was on my mind?

From the club, went to his home, didn't plan to stay that long.

Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes, searching for my car keys, trying to get out the door.

Then he streached his hands in front of me, said "You can't go this way!" I looked at him like he was crazy, and said "Dude move out of my way." I said "I got a boyfriend at home." He said "Please don't go out there!" "Dude, I have got to get home!" He said "My boyfriend's coming up the stairs! Shh shh, quiet, hurry up and get in the closet! Don't make a sound, or some shit is going down." I said, "Why don't I just go out the window?" He said, "Yes except for one thing, we're on the 5th floor!" Shit, think. Shit, "Quick, put me in the closet!"

And now I'm in this darkest closet just trying to figure out, how am I going to get my crazy ass up out of this house?"

Then his boyfriend walks in and yells "I'm home, aru." Then the other says "Yao I'm in the room."

He walks in there with a smile on his face and says, "Kiku I've missed you." The Japanese hops all over him and says, "I've cooked and ran your bath water."

I'm telling you now this guy's so good he deserves an oscar.

He throws him in the bed and starts taking his clothes off. I'm in the closet like, _"Man, what the fuck is going on?"_

You're not going to believe but things get deeper as the story goes on.

Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone. I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate. But from the way the Chinese guy acts, I could tell it was too late.

He hoped up and said "There's a mystery going on and I'm going to solve it aru!" And I'm like _'God, please don't let this man open this closet!'_

He walks in the bathroom, and looks behind the door. Kiku says, "Baby come back to bed!" The boyfriend says, "Bastard, say no more aru!"

He pulls back the shower curtain while the other's biting his nails! Then he walks back to the room, right now I'm sweating like hell!

Checks under the bed, then opens the dresser, he looks at the closet, I pull out my revolver! He walks up to the closet, getting closer to the closet, now he's at the closet, now he's opening the closet!

_Closet.. _

_Closet..._


	2. Chapter 2

Well, now he's staring at me like, as if he were staring in the mirror.

Kiku says, "Yao, let me explain!" He says, "You don't have to go any farther, aru. I can clearly see what's going on. Behind my back, in my bed, in my home, aru!"

Then I said, "What a minute, now hold on." I said, "Dude, we can work this out." The Japanese said, "Yao, don't loose control!"

I tried to get him to calm down, Yao said "Oh, I should have known, that you would go and do some bogus shit in my house, aru! But the Buddhist in me gave you the benefit of the doubt."

I said, "Wait, we need to resolve this!" He stepped towords me and I'm like "Woah, look there's a reason I'm in this closet."

He says, "What are you talking about?" I said, "Look, I met this guy at the club, he told me he didn't have a man."

Then the Chinese says, "Please, I'd kill you if you didn't have that gun in your hand, aru."

Then I said, "But your boyfriend chose me!" He said, "Don't give me that bullshit please!" His phone goes off, and then things get a little more intresting.

He steps a little closer, I point my gun and say "Look, I'm not the one you're after." He says, "Son of a bitch, I bet you didn't know, did my boyfriend tell you I was a monk?" I said, "Well good that's better, right? Why can't we settle this peacefully?"

Then I started to put the gun down, until I saw his face still had a frown.

The Japanese started crying saying, "Yao I'm so sorry." Then he says, "Kiku, not as sorry as you're going to be, aru!"

I started to leave, he says, "No, I want you to see this, aru!" I said, "I got to get out of this house!" He says, "Not until I reveal my secret."

And I'm thinking, _'what is going on inside his head?_' Then he calls somebody up and Yao says, "Hello? Ivan? Turn the car around. Listen, I just need you to get back right now, aru!" He hangs up and looks at me and says, "Well since we're all 'coming out of the closet' I'm not about to be the only one who's broken hearted, aru."

Kiku says, "What do you mean?" Yao says, "Just wait and see." I said, "Somebody better talk to me."

And then his phone starts to ring. He picks up and somebody says, "Sweetheart, I'm downstairs."

And Yao says, "I'll buzz you up, I'm on the 5th floor, hurry up, take the stairs aru!" And I'm like "Who is this mystery dude, the one you're talking to?"

And he says, "In time, you'll both know the shocking truth, aru! Kiku, this is something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a long long time."

And I said, "Fool, I'm going to shoot you both if you don't say what's on your mind!" The Chinese says, "Wait, I hear somebody coming up the stairs aru!" I'm looking at the door and he says, "I think you better sit down in the chair."

I say, "I'm going to count to four! ONE!" Yao says,

"Alfred wait aru!"

"TWO!" Kiku steps in the way and says "Please don't shoot!"

"THREE!" Yao says, "Don't shoot me aru!"

"FOUR!" Kiku screams! Then a knock on the door. The gun's in my hand, Yao opens the door. I can't believe it's a Russian...

_Russian._

_Russian._


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you like it so far..pretty crazy huh? XD **

**Chapter pairings: ChinaxRussia/ JapanxChina. **

Well, here we are, the four of us. In total shock, me and Kiku. I close my mouth, and swallow spit, as I'm thinking to myself, _'this is some deep shit'_

So then I say, "So are you going to tell me he's the one you've been talking to?"

He says, "Yes." I say, "No." He says "Yes." I say, "No!" He says, "Here's the truth." I yell, "All of you people are crazy! Let me out of this house, because this is way more than I've bargained for!"

And then Kiku says, "Wait, I'm sure we can all fix this." And then I say, "I'm late 'cause I don't have a damn thing to do with this!" And then Kiku says, "But wouldn't you like to know just how it all began?"

Then I thought to myself and said, "Quick you have 3 minutes!"

Then it got real quiet, and I said "Start talking!" Then Kiku said, "My god, Yao, I've got just one question, how could you do something like this? I'm so hurt!" Then Yao looked at him and said, "Bastard please you've got your nerve aru! With all your club visits, lying and saying that you were shopping, and now you're here, in our home, and you're calling me wrong aru?"

Kiku says, "Okay, you've caught me, and that much, I agree, you've caught me cheating, but this is a little extream!" Yao says, "You're my boyfriend, sleeping around behind my back! And I come home and find Alfred in the closet, how extream is that aru?!"

Kiku says, "But he's a Russian!" And Yao says, "please, you can't judge me aru!" He says, "Yao this is crazy!" And I say, "Stop arguing! I did not stay here to hear you two chew each other out, so get to the point! Or I sware I'm leaving!"

Then the Russian says, "Excuse me please, I think I can explain what's going on here, my name is Ivan and I've been together with Yao about a year, da? And creeping around with him has been a living hell, sneaking in and out of hotels-" I said "Dude, please spare me the details!"

And then Yao says, "Ivan please, don't say anything else, aru!" Then Kiku says, "Yao, you son of a bitch!" And he said, "Kiku, go to hell!" Then I said, "I thought your name was Honda, that's what you said at the club, man this is getting scary, I'm going to shoot somebody!"

Then Yao starts screaming and yelling, "Kiku, this is all your fault aru!" Kiku throws a pillow at him and says, "You've been cheating too, the only difference is, you didn't get caught!"

Then Ivan screams, "We're in love!" Kiku says, "Love, my ass!" Then Yao says, "We're getting married!" And I shot one in the air! Then I say, "None of you say another word, cause all of this shit I'm going through is unheard of!"

I grab my cell phone, and say, "This is so wrong!" I call my house, and a French picks up the phone...


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay, now I'm a flustered mess! I'm REALLY not used to writing smut! Even though it doesn't really count (or maybe it does) as smut.. but whatever. I DO NOT OWN HETALIA OR 'S IN THE CLOSET TRILOGY! :) **

**Chapter pairings: USUK! (fun fact: One of my OTPs 3 ) **

Now I'm dashing home, doing 85, swerving lane to lane, the fire in my eyes.

I've got a million thoughts playing through my mind, I'm thinking about what I'm going to do what I'm going to say, how could I have been so blind?

I look in my rearveiw mirror, I can't believe this, *wewoweowewo* "Damn" Here comes a policeman. He drove behind me and flashed his lights, and I pulled over without thinking twice. He hops out of the car, aproaches me and says, "Licens and registration, please, HonHon~"

I looked up at him and said, "Officer, is there something wrong?"

He says, "No, except you were doing 60 in a 40 mile zone."

And then I said, "Officer, let me explain please, you see the truth of the matter is, I have an emergancy."

The French cop says, "No excuses, and no exceptions." He flicks his cigarette, and hands me the ticket. He said, "Have a nice day." And walked away, I said, "Yeah right." and drove away. And then I turned my radio on, and did 50 all the way home.

I pulled up in the driveway, got out and slammed the door, and went through the back. Barged into the house...

Pulled back the shower door, and Arthur screams, "What's all that for?!"

And I'm like, "Iggy, I called this house and another man picked up the phone!" Then he says, "Calm down, did you forget my friend Ludwig came to visit?"

"Oh." And that's all I could say was "Oh." With a stupid look on my face, I forget he came today.

And he says, "That's okay, because Alfred, I understand." He says, "You don't have to explain."

Then I took him by the hand. I kissed him and we went to the room, I turned some music on, I apologized one more time, and then we started getting it on **(XD)**

Then he started biting his lips, grabbing me and making noise. We start making me love and he says in my ear, "It's all yours." I said, "I love you." He said, "I love you too." Then a tear fell out my eye, and I called him my sunshine.

Then he looked at me, and said, "Take me, Git." And that's when I started going crazy like I was trying to paralize him. The room felt like it was spinning, 'cause we kept turning and turning, as if we were in a wirlwind, our toes are curling.

Then next thing I know he starts going really wild and screaming my name, and I say. "Iggy, we must slow down, before I bust a vessel in my brain!" He says "Please, don't stop!" And I say, "I've got a cramp!" And he says, "Please keep on going!" And I said, "My leg is about to crack!"

Then she cries out, "Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax!"

And I say, "Cool, climax, just get off my leg!"

He says, "You're the perfect lover."

I say, "I can't go no farther."

Then I flip back the covers.

Oh my god, a rubber.

_Rubber.._

_Rubber.._


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys! How is it so far? Let me know, leave a reveiw! :) **

**Chapter pairings: USUK. (I guess..) **

And now I'm like, "Well, well, well, what the fuck is this?! A condom in my bed? You better start talking Iggy. Before I take a match and burn this motherfucker down!" I said, "You better start talking right damn now."

Then he says, "Alfred, I'm so speechless."

Then I said, "You're going to be breathless, if you don't start talking, Iggy I'm going to have a fit, you don't know who you're messing with, dude you better cut the bullshit! Now it's obvious somebody has been all up in my home, in my bed, plus I smell cigaretts..?"

Now I'm sniffing, looking around, suspicious like someone's here. Then I looked in his eyes and in his eyes there was so much fear.

Pulled out my gun said, "Is he still here?" He shook his head and said, "No."

I check behind every door, he cried out, "He left right after you called."

I said, "What the hell were you thinking?! You thought I wouldn't find this out?" I said, "Dude, you're crazy, letting somebody come into my damn house."

He got up and said, "That's enough!" He said, "I can't take no more." He said, "You've made your point, but it's time to even the score!" He said, "I know all about last night, and where you went when you left the club."

He said, "That's right wanker, I was there, with this guy in the back of the club."

I said, "I thought you were with your friends?" He said, "I thought you were with yours too!" He said, "You went to that tosser's house, and don't even try to act surprised!"

I said, "Arth-" He said, "Shut up, don't say anything, there isn't anything you can say, that I haven't already heard."

Then I say, "Iggy, don't even try to turn it all around, 'cause the fact still remains that someone was in my house!"

Then he says, "You're right about that, something did happen. But I don't have to turn it around, what what goes around comes back around."

I move a little closer to him, and he trips over the furniature. He says, "Wait, just let me explain." I said, "No need to, just give me his name."

Then he says, "Uh...uh." I said, "Uh, what?" He says, "Just sit down in the chair." And I say, "No I'm standing up!"

He says, "I'm so scared to tell you because of what you might do,"

And I say, "Look dude, you better give me this fools name and I'm not joking around!"

He says, "Okay," Wipes his eyes and asks me about a guy name Feliciano. I thought to myself, and said, "It sounds fimiliar, I'd probably know him if I'd seen him."

I shook my head and said, "Anyway dude, what the hell does that have to do with this guy?"

He said, "Okay, you know my friend Lovino?"

I said, "Who the hell is Lovino?! Just get to the point!"

He said, "Alright, it was that cop who pulled you over ealier, Francis.

_Francis._

_Francis..._


	6. Chapter 6

**I know it's weird! X.X **

**Chapter pairings: USUK & FrUK **

Believe it or not, I just started laughing. Shaking my head, and just kept on laughing. Thinking about all the stuff I've been through that day.

Then he cries, "What? Why are you laughing?"

Then I laughed out said, "Thinking about all the things that I've been through."

He wies his nose and sniffles, saying, "I've been through it too."

Then I start laughing again, then he starts laughing more, then next thing you know we're just cracking up on the floor.

The he laughs out, "I can't believe that frog picked up my phone."

And meanwhile, Ludwig just got out of prison and he's heading home.

Then Arthur says, "Alfred I'm sorry for all the lies and all the bolocks."

And I say, "Dude, just wait until I tell you all the drama that I've been dealing with."

He laughs and says, "I want to hear it all."

And I said, "Iggy, first of all, I got a hangover, got trapped in the closet, slept with who knows wife of a monk." Then he says, "What?" Then I said, "We found out that the monks lover turns out to a russian dude!"

He says, "Blimey, you've been through a lot of shit." I said, "Plus, I got a ticket!"

Meanwhile the policeman, he turns around, just out of concern, and comes back to our house. He pulls up in the driveway, my car's parked crooked with the lights on. Then he goes through the back way, he hears the dogs barking like something's wrong. He sees that the back door has been broken in. He looks around, pulls his gun out and walks right on in.

Meanwhile, Arthur and I are laughing and laughing, and from the cops perspective he thinks somebody is crying, he gets closer to the bedroom, he couls've sworn he heard someone coughing and sighing.

Meanwhile we're in the bedroom laughing, I'm trying to explain, he yells out, "Alfred, you're killing me!" and I said, "I sware it went that way!"

Then next thing you know the French barges in the room and says, "Motherfucker Freeze!" I look up at him and say, "Wait, you're that damn police!"

Arthur says, "Baby? I mean Francis? Everything's fine!"

And he says, "Arthur, I got this, I know you're sick and tired of this fool!" Then I stood up, and started screaming, "Dude, get out of my house!" Then the French yells, "Freeze!" Arthur screams, "Please!" And I pull out my own gun.

Arthur cries, "Alfred please don't!" I see visions of them together.

He said, "Monsier, put the gun down!" I can't stop thinking about them together! I pull off the safety. Then the cop does the same.

Bang!

Bang...

Bang...


	7. Chapter 7

There's total silence, blood everywhere, and confusion on our faces as we continue to stare.

Then Arthur starts shaking, crying and screaming, "What did you do?!"

And then the policemen looks at me and screams, "See? Now I warned you!"

Then he starts pacing around the floor saying, "God, what have we done here?!"

Then Arthur rushed to the door, blood on his hands screaming, "There goes your whole career!"

Meanwhile I'm freaking out saying, "We 'gotta do something, we 'gotta do something quick!"

Then the French cop picks up the gun and says, "I got a boyfriend at home, I can't have any part of this!"

Arthur says, "Francis, I can't believe you just said what you said! 'Cause that's not what you said when your ass was in my bed!"

Then I said, "Get married later, but right now we gotta use our heads, first of all did anybody think to check, if the man was alive or dead?!"

Then French looks at Brit, Brit looks at me, I look at them, and we look at him.

Meanwhile, Art is lookin' like he's about to have a nervous breakdown the way he's shaking and cryin'. And then he screams, "You bastards! You've killed my friend!"

And then I say, "Art wait a minute! I didn't-"

He says, "No! You've killed my friend!" He said, "He just got out of prison, he's been through a lot, he was talking about changing his life, and everything only to come home and get shot!"

Then I said, "Iggy, it wasn't my fault! This French had a gun on me. Besides, how was I to know you were gettin' down with this crooked-ass French police?"

And he says, "Now wait a minute!" And I say, "No, you wait a minute!"

And then I say, "Man, this is my boyfriend! We had a life until you butted up in it!"

Then Art cries, "Alfred, now hold on! Even though he was in our home, let's not forget the fact that you were out there creeping in another man's home."

_Cough _  
_Cough _  
_Cough _  
_Cough_

Ludwig starts coughing,

_Cough _  
_Cough _  
_Cough_

Then Art says, "Ludwig? Oh my god, old chap are you okay? Then he looks up at him and says, "I'm not 'gonna die, at least not today."

And then he asks, "Vwhat happened? vwhy did I get shot? Alfred vwhat is this policeman doing here?"

I said, "Go on, tell him, cop."

The cop says, "Son, we gotta get you to a hospital and take a look at that wound."

Ludwig says, "Nein, I'm okay, it's just my shoulder, all I need is a bathroom."

Now 5 minutes has gone by and we're telling Ludwig everything that happened.

Ludwig says, "Shit, I would've been off in prison."

And now someone's banging on the door, I'm like, "Oh no! Here we go again!" Thinking out loud to myself, sayin' "When is this shit 'gonna end?!"

Then Arthur looks at me and says, "Baby, you got that?" And I say, "NO!"

He says, "Why?" And I say, "Because I'm not openening another motherfuckin' door!"

The French says, "Arthur, I'll get it." He looks at me and says, "Hero of the world, my ass!"

Then I say, "I'll get it! But whoever it is, I'm about to put their ass on blast!"

And then the policeman grabbed me and I pulled away, snatching my gun off the floor.

Then Ludwig says, "Now that's vwhat I'm talking 'bout, let's point that shit towords the door!" He snatches the policeman's gun and says, "Officer, arrest me later!"

I count to three, I open the door and it's Elizaveta the nosy Hungarian.

With a frying pan in her hand...like that's going to do something against those guns...

_It's Elizaveta the nosy...Hungarian._

**Ludwig steps into frame! XD That 'Vwhat', is my failed attempt at his accent Dx And apparently, Elizaveta (Hungary) is a nosy Hungarian! XD 'Hero of the world, my ass!' and 'A frying pan in her hand...' Did I get that right? Thanks for reading! TO BE CONTINUED! :) **


End file.
